I’m at a point in my life where every decision I’m faced with becomes this huge life-changing ordeal for me. I feel like every choice I make is going to affect the rest of my life and the consequences won’t be reversible. My Type A obsessive-compulsive-neurosis turns small decisions like figuring out what to do for dinner into life or death situations with repercussions that will affect my grandchildren. Should we go out to dinner or just go grocery shopping and cook at home? Eating out would be SO much easier. No cooking. No cleaning. Then again, I should really save my money since I’m about to dig myself into a $250k black hole of debt. Obviously my New Year’s Resolution to be decisive isn’t exactly going as planned.
These days I’m having an internal struggle with picking a medical school. I’ve been accepted to four medical schools so far and I have until March 10 to pick one. Two of them were pretty easy to cross out, but the remaining two are really neck and neck. AND IT’S KILLING ME. I’ve spent the past three weeks tossing and turning at night trying to weigh the pros and cons. Tuition. Cost of Living. Curriculum. Clinical Rotation Sites. Geographical Location. Weather. Distance from Friends and Family. My head is starting to spin. I’ve made so many pros and cons lists and every time the scale starts to tip in one direction, I think “But what if…?” and I’m right back at square one. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but this feels like the most important decision I’ve ever had to make in my life. Whichever school I choose will dictate where and with whom I will spend the next 4-8 years of my life. I wish everything was black and white. That I somehow just knew exactly what to do. Can’t I go back to the days when Mom and Dad knew what was best for me and told me exactly what to do? Does this mean I’m an adult now?!!
I think my indecisiveness stems from fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of making the wrong decision. Fear of being accountable for my own fate. But I guess it’s kind of a privilege to have to make this decision. Better to have two great options than none at all, right? I’m sure I’ll look back in a few years thinking, “I made the right choice.” But until then, I have a few more restless nights ahead of me.